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Posts Tagged ‘joke’

Baptizing Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time… He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

Hymns for Everyone

The Dentist’s Hymn………………….Crown Him With Many Crowns

The Weatherman’s Hymn…………There Shall Be Showers of Blessing

The Contractor’s Hymn…………….The Church’s One Foundation

The Tailor’s Hymn……………………Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer’s Hymn…………………..There is A Green Hill Far Away

The Politician’s Hymn………………Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist’s Hymn…………..Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent’s Hymn……………..I Surrender All

The Electrician’s Hymn…………….Send the Light

The Shopper’s Hymn………………..Sweet By and By

The Realtor’s Hymn…………………………..I’ve Got A Mansion Just Over the Hilltop

The Pilot’s Hymn………………………………I’ll Fly Away

The Paramedic’s Hymn………………………Revive Us Again

The Judge’s Hymn…………………………….Almost Persuaded

The Psychiatrist’s Hymn……………………..Just A Little Talk With Jesus

The Architect’s Hymn………………………..How Firm A Foundation

The Credit Card Telemarketer’s Hymn……..A Charge To Keep I Have & King

The Postal Worker’s Hymn…………………..So Send I You

The Waiter’s Hymn……………………………Fill My Cup, Lord

The Gardener’s Hymn………………………..Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming

The Lifeguard’s Hymn…………………Rescue the Perishing

The Criminal’s Hymn…………………..Search Me, O God

The Baker’s Hymn………………………When the Roll Is Called Up Yonder

The Shoe Repairer’s Hymn…………..It Is Well With My Soul

The Travel Agent’s Hymn……………Anywhere With Jesus

The Geologist’s Hymn…………………Rock of Ages

The Hematologist’s Hymn……………Are You Washed in the Blood?

The Menswear Clerk’s Hymn…………Blest Be the Tie

The Umpire’s Hymn…………………….I Need No Other Argument

The Librarian’s Hymn………………….Whispering Hope

Now, for those who speed on the highway – a few hymns for you:

45 mph…………………God Will Take Care of You

55 mph………………….Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah

65 mph………………….Nearer My God to Thee

75 mph………………….Nearer Still Nearer

85 mph………………….This World Is Not My Home

95 mph………………….Lord, I’m Coming Home

Over 100 mph………..Precious Memories

The Cleaning Woman

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church. The pastor thought to himself, “oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets – what would the members think of her.” He told her that she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized. “I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to become a member.”

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more.

A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he approached her and said, “I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?”

“Oh, yes,” she said. “I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of your church.”

“He did?” said the pastor.

“Oh, yes” she replied. “He said even He hasn’t been able to get into your church yet, and He’s been trying for years.”